Please critique my poem – Title: AGAINST THE GRAIN?

March 10th, 2010 | by admin |

I went swimming upstream
Not for pleasure or pain
But Merely just to remain
Energy siphoned through drains
Explain laws of attraction
Life determined through interaction
Mind divided like a fraction
Retraction of attention
The devil pays commission
Misery loves company held down by gravity
Negative people driven by depravity

I went swimming upstream
Fighting a river of antagonism
Thoughts flooded by pessimism
Actions frozen with unnatural aneurysms
Prisms of color ride rays of healing intention
Go with the flow to tonights destruction convention
Recognizing life’s plan for constructive dimensions
Apprehension of wisdom now logic is disagreeing
Sheep herded for shepards ultimate well being
Puppet masters demonstrate shadow games
Real issues overlooked for fortune and fame

I went swimming upstream
What was preached as wrong became my right
NO parlay for lying devils peace instead I fight
Staying awake late to counteract thieves at night
The new dictator now controls the world out of sight
Heights lowered to accommodate lack of spiritual connection
Alternate reality molded from clouded perception
Truth seen as science fiction by logical inspection
Rejection of fabrications seen in learning institutions
Molding childrens minds for societies beneficial prostitution

I went swimming upstream
Discovering that up was really down
Gravity meant to keep those who belong on the ground
From subjects I extract fractions of truth to expound
Around in a circle this life takes us until completion
Yet the lost are never found better if they suffered deletion
Reasons for existence never pondered any deeper
Spoon fed poison never questioning your keeper
Taught the earth was flat never denying the teacher
Preacher demonstrating the opposite of the sermon
Not what I do but what I say kind of learning

I went swimming upstream
Regarding popular reality as a lucid dream
Validity began to unravel at its seams

I went swimming upstream
Just to challenge what was deemed
Revolution is much more than a collective dream

I went swimming upstream

That was rather harsh of Grayson.
But, in all fairness, it is a bit long.

  1. 7 Responses to “Please critique my poem – Title: AGAINST THE GRAIN?”

  2. By Grayson G on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    I head thoffense of the international poetry and literature and I mean no offence by this but that poem was absolutely horrible.Though appaled by this piece of writing I have some advice on editing your poem.
    1. Shorten your Poem
    2. Only Rhyme if the words fit in perfectly
    3. If you are considering a career in poetry or teaching please stop now
    References :

  3. By Inmate #4739554 on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    That was rather harsh of Grayson.
    But, in all fairness, it is a bit long.
    References :

  4. By Avril Dolonar on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    Very cool! I loved it!
    Can you asnwer my poetry question?
    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApyeDq57TH9fYRyMTjgiwzzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20081125125640AA4GxQ4
    References :

  5. By ordinary.magic on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    I honestly liked it.
    Yes it was a little long.
    So I would suggest shortening it.
    But it was good.
    good job :)

    what do you think of mine?
    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AgTUyc5OcraDUtj1eRhSaAkazKIX;_ylv=3?qid=20081125160144AA7bFSM

    References :

  6. By Olde One. on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    grayson is a liar, so don’t you worry. one with a job, such as he professes to have, would have a better grasp on the language.

    critique time!

    the first thing i noticed was the length. in this day and age, i suppose we are too lazy to sit through something that requires more than ten seconds to take in. length is not a bad thing, as long as there’s something to say.

    what troubled me, next, was line 8. you opened with a word that fits the rhyme of the previous line, and it interrupted the flow. of course, i see you did that throughout the rest of the poem, so you must have a reason…. perhaps to interrupt the flow….?

    next, i was rather put off by the subject matter. i’ve heard a lot of those "i’m not like all the othe sheep" poems. you’d be amazed at how many there are, out there. when attempting a cliche’, either you create something far above par, or you go unnoticed. it is generally good to avoid themes associated with teen angst years.

    ..of course, your poem does stand out better than some of the others i’ve read. seems to be the skeleton of a rap song, perhaps? the end of the poem doesn’t seem to fit, unless you think of the whole poem as a song.

    thank you for putting yourself out on the chopping blog, good sir.

    References :

  7. By Valsette on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    well as they say up above its dark in some parts but that is what the WORLD is all about .. its real life and real life has a dark side and poetry is about freedom of expression, thoughts, feelings and situations e.t.c.

    Its an honest poem, contemplative and thoughtfull:)

    AND no its not too long .. like is said earlier… poetry is about expression of thought and passion… there is no limit not too short not too long… thats the beauty of poetry.
    “I’ve a little secret for you. Huddle up. Huddle up! . . . We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race, and the human race is filled with passion. Now medicine, law, business, engineering — these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love — these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman:

    O ME! O life!… of the questions of these recurring;
    Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish…
    What good amid these, O me, O life?

    Answer.
    That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
    That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. [full text]

    That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?”

    – Robin Williams, Dead Poets Society
    References :

  8. By Stephanie T on Mar 10, 2010 | Reply

    I mostly liked it. It opens my mind made me think on things I hadn’t before, and other parts rang true in my own life. Very important things in a poem. It was kinda choppy and it seemed a little long like it was dragging a bit. I think to tighten it up you should put your last two verses together, possibly use a full sentence, w/ commas and periods, instead of verse style, and work on the rhyming. When you begin in rhyme then stop, you literally drop your reader like they’ve hit a speed bump or something. It’s all or nothing when you rhyme. Do it or don’t. And I noticed you spelled shepherd wrong. I hope I helped. Take care.
    References :

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